I was on fire.
At least, I pretended to be. It was easier this way; to imagine the pain I felt was my flesh melting down, exposing raw bone, than to acknowledge what was the boys were doing to me. It happened…only that once, and even though I was past drunk, it is something I will never forget.
I will never forget shutting my eyes tight, bargaining with God: please, help me and I will do this, give you this, I promise I will always do this – and never be bad again. I will never forget, after, when they left to get back to the party, how I laid there, face hot with tears, and cursed the God who never came to my rescue.
Because of this, I did not meet God until years later. I was not ready to thank him for bringing me to America, to the beautiful family in the big house, where the word ‘no’ did not exist. I certainly did not think of him when they told me I was sick, nor did I thank him when I got better. He abandoned me, refused to answer during that endless night and so I had therefore denounced him. I thought God had left this place long ago.
When M and I met, I discovered a new kind of peace that I do not ever again expect to find. He is beautiful and quiet, pensive and deliberate and the little twinkle in his eye when he smiles always makes me want to know more. He has calmed me, taken me in, and he has loved me in a way that I did not think possible; you know when you take out a huge pile of warm laundry and cannot help but to seek solace in its warmth for a moment, before the folding beings? Yes, it’s like that.
God (or something like it) must have sent him to me.
There is no other explanation, no other way to explain it: he has always been part of my plan, and this is when I was able to begin to understand. Now that I know that in my hour of need my prayers did not go unheard, that divinity was just waiting until everything fell into place to send my angel to me, I have begun a spiritual journey of my own. I am beginning to realize that Godliness is not found in the trials and sufferings, but in how we overcome those experiences. I am beginning to explore this more, and to explore my relationship with myself, working through my past, growing excited about my future and slowing down to contemplate my present. The love that I have been shown, and that I have been able to feel in return, has opened up so many lenses into my life.
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